Goldilocks or The Tale of the Bad Girl

Once upon a time there was a chick who had no regard for private property.  She went walking somewhere and got fed-up with the walking and all that it entailed so she broke into someone's house.  The home owners had food all over the place but because Goldi imagined her palate was Cordon Bleu level, none of it was good enough.  At least she could have barged into Eric Ripert's weekend house but no, she was stuck with grains.  It was hot it was cold it was too chewy.  After all that eating business, Goldi was exhausted so she crashed on the best bed she could find and she'll be the first to tell you none of them were any good.  It doesn't even bear repeating what happened in the bathroom.  And she got away with it because no one knows what to do with a bad girl.